I started going to the "Y" to get in shape and after working out went to the showers before going home. My friend Andrew was in the shower also and commented on how fat I am. I said, "Yeah, I love to eat." Then he asked how long it had been since I'd seen my pecker and I had to admit it had been awhile. Then he asked, "Why don't you diet?" I asked him, "Why, what color is it?"
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Bought one of those talking scales (since I couldn't see the numbers without tipping over) but I took it back to the store when I got on it and it said, "One at a time please."
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I buried my ex-lover three days ago and I swear, if I knew he would be able to dig himself out I would have buried him face down. I don't mean to be evil, BUT, he was so simple minded that I used to let him hide his own Easter eggs and wrap his own Christmas and birthday presents.
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Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
ANIMAL TIME
A man walks into the doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor asks, "What can do for you today?" The frog replies, "Can you get this wart off my ass?"
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A frog goes to an exclusive vet and says, "Look doc, I'm green all over except for my pecker which is yellow, can you help me out?"
The doc says, "Sorry, I don't do color work but if you go see Dr. Smith he might be able to help." and gives him the address. Then an elephant comes in with a pink trunk. The doctor says, "Quick, follow the yellow pricked toad."
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An ape goes into a bar and asks for a banana daiquiri. The bartender is taken aback but gets the drink and serves it to the ape. "How much?" the ape asks with a hand full of cash.
"$50.00" the bartender says, thinking that the ape will go for it and he does. Then the bartender says, "You're the first ape we've had in here."
The ape says, "With the price of drinks here I'm not surprised." (groan, I know, but funny)
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A frog goes to an exclusive vet and says, "Look doc, I'm green all over except for my pecker which is yellow, can you help me out?"
The doc says, "Sorry, I don't do color work but if you go see Dr. Smith he might be able to help." and gives him the address. Then an elephant comes in with a pink trunk. The doctor says, "Quick, follow the yellow pricked toad."
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An ape goes into a bar and asks for a banana daiquiri. The bartender is taken aback but gets the drink and serves it to the ape. "How much?" the ape asks with a hand full of cash.
"$50.00" the bartender says, thinking that the ape will go for it and he does. Then the bartender says, "You're the first ape we've had in here."
The ape says, "With the price of drinks here I'm not surprised." (groan, I know, but funny)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
THURSDAY FUNNIES
Little Betty was walking the sidewalk with her dog in tow when she came upon two nuns. The first nun complimented Betty on her hair and Betty told her that her mom had just fixed it so she could go to Bobby's birthday party. Then the second nun complimented her on her dress and she said that it was new, just to wear to Bobby's party.
The first nun told her that her dog was cute and seemed well behaved. Betty told them that his name was Porky. The second nun wanted to know if he was named that because he was so fat but Betty told her no, it was because he screwed pigs.
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Mary had a little lamb
She tied him to the heater
And every time he turned around
He burned his little nose. (Bet you though I was going to say peter
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Red Riding hood was walking threw the woods and the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a bush and told her he was going to rape her. She opened her basket and pulled out a snub nose 38 and told him, "No your not, you're going eat me just like it says in the book."
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The real story of the three bears is that one of them married a giraffe, the other two put him up to it. Think about it.
The first nun told her that her dog was cute and seemed well behaved. Betty told them that his name was Porky. The second nun wanted to know if he was named that because he was so fat but Betty told her no, it was because he screwed pigs.
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Mary had a little lamb
She tied him to the heater
And every time he turned around
He burned his little nose. (Bet you though I was going to say peter
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Red Riding hood was walking threw the woods and the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a bush and told her he was going to rape her. She opened her basket and pulled out a snub nose 38 and told him, "No your not, you're going eat me just like it says in the book."
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The real story of the three bears is that one of them married a giraffe, the other two put him up to it. Think about it.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
JOKES FOR TODAY
Little Beatrice was in first grade and when she was called upon, told the class that her father could eat light bulbs. The teacher corrected her and said that no one could eat light bulbs, but she protested saying, "Last night my father told my mother that if she turned out the light he would eat it."
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Another teacher asked her class to give her a three syllable word and then use that word in a sentence.
Cathy said, "Wonderful," "The lunch in the cafeteria today was wonderful."
Betty stood and said, "Fantastic," "I had a fantastic weekend."
No one else was raising their hand except little Andrew and the teacher was never sure what was going to come out of that boy's mouth, but she called on him.
"Urinate." "Urinate, if you had tits you would be a ten.
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Mario, an Italian friend of ours, was asked recently if he knew why so many Italian Americans were named Tony. He told us that it was a mistake, that when they got on the boat the note on their ticket was SUPPOSED to say TO: N.Y.
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A young brave asked his father, "How do we get our names, I mean where do they come from?"
His father explained to him, "When a child is born the father looks out the tepee and names the child after the first thing he sees. Why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?"
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Another teacher asked her class to give her a three syllable word and then use that word in a sentence.
Cathy said, "Wonderful," "The lunch in the cafeteria today was wonderful."
Betty stood and said, "Fantastic," "I had a fantastic weekend."
No one else was raising their hand except little Andrew and the teacher was never sure what was going to come out of that boy's mouth, but she called on him.
"Urinate." "Urinate, if you had tits you would be a ten.
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Mario, an Italian friend of ours, was asked recently if he knew why so many Italian Americans were named Tony. He told us that it was a mistake, that when they got on the boat the note on their ticket was SUPPOSED to say TO: N.Y.
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A young brave asked his father, "How do we get our names, I mean where do they come from?"
His father explained to him, "When a child is born the father looks out the tepee and names the child after the first thing he sees. Why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?"
Friday, January 1, 2010
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE, UNLESS YOU CAN GET SEX
Of all of the things that I am able to do, making people laugh or at least smile and forget the rest of the problems of the world for a couple of minutes. So with that in mind, I promise to use this site to promote good feelings to all that come here to have their burdens lifted.
Now, please explain to me why straight men and gay women are so turned on by looking at a woman's butt? The action is around the corner and if you even touch back there you are out of the picture. Why do gay men get so turned on by looking at a picture that says "this is a straight man". Does he look any better because he's (?) straight? Looks the same to me. Are bi-bisexuals the ones who pay for it or collect for it and wouldn't that be buy-sexual? I'm very confused these days, sex used to be so easy and fun now there's too much to think about.
If you have a favorite joke that you would like to share with others, this could be the spot to do it. Send them to me at theauthormike@yahoo.com and I can load them up here and I will add ones that I have collected over the years as well. Let's get the whole world laughing.
Mike
Now, please explain to me why straight men and gay women are so turned on by looking at a woman's butt? The action is around the corner and if you even touch back there you are out of the picture. Why do gay men get so turned on by looking at a picture that says "this is a straight man". Does he look any better because he's (?) straight? Looks the same to me. Are bi-bisexuals the ones who pay for it or collect for it and wouldn't that be buy-sexual? I'm very confused these days, sex used to be so easy and fun now there's too much to think about.
If you have a favorite joke that you would like to share with others, this could be the spot to do it. Send them to me at theauthormike@yahoo.com and I can load them up here and I will add ones that I have collected over the years as well. Let's get the whole world laughing.
Mike
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